A Queer Kid Survival Guide: Part One
Before I begin, I should point out that ‘queer’ is now an umbrella term for anyone that is simply ‘not straight’.
What is LGBTQ+?
If you identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, asexual, queer or gender nonconforming (neither a boy or a girl or somewhere in between) you fall under the umbrella term LGBTQ+. As a queer trans male, I understand the pressure (and occasionally the fear) experienced by LGBT+ students in education. Every time I walk in to the boys’ toilets, I’m once again anxious that today is the day someone will object, or that I will have abuse thrown at me. I am constantly misgendered. By canteen staff, teachers, other students, caretakers and even people I used to call my friends. I regularly hear derogatory terms for gay and trans people, and it does nothing to quell the feeling that I am different; that who I am is weird and strange and not ‘normal’.
Perhaps we are not like those that don’t fall under the LGBTQ identity, but that doesn’t mean we are ‘wrong’. We’ve been around since there have been people on earth, and if someone tells you that who you are is wrong, they’re the ones who need to change. Not you.
Throughout this year, I’m going to give advice on how to be a happy, safe and proud LGBTQ+ student. A Queer Kid Survival Guide, if you will. Today, we’re talking about one of the first steps in coming to terms with who you are.
Lesson one: how to Come Out.
Coming out isn’t an easy process (trust me, I’ve done it more times than I can count). I came out as a gay female when I was 13 years old. I was afraid of what my family and friends would think of me, whether people would shout at me for getting changed with all the other girls, or whether my peers would change the way they acted because they didn’t like or understand who I was.
I came out as transgender in 2015, and it was the best decision I have ever made.
It allowed me to be honest with myself and the people I knew, and it took a huge weight of my shoulders, not having to hide my true self.
Coming out means that we don’t have to hide who we are anymore; it allows us to be free, unafraid and proud of who we are. As LGBTQ+ people we deserve that freedom, just like everybody else does.
There are many ways to come out, and any way that works for you is the right way. You could write a letter, send a Facebook message, or just sit down face to face with the person you want to tell. The best way to do this is to plan everything you’re going to say, explain all the things you think people might find difficult to understand, but always keep in mind that you are not wrong, and that nothing can affect that - no matter what other people think.
Remember that you haven’t changed, even if other people say that you have. This is who you are, and who you have always been, and therefore it is the responsibility of others to accept that, not you.
To be honest, I think one of the best ways to come out is to just be yourself. Live your life as the person you are without any fanfare or big moment of truth. Coming out doesn’t have to be a big thing - in fact, it shouldn’t have to be. We’re just like everybody else.
If people want to ask questions, answer them - as long as they’re not rude and intrusive. Do what makes you comfortable; forget about people’s expectations and beliefs, and be happy knowing that you are living your life as yourself. That’s what I did when I came out as trans; I told a few of my family and friends along with my teachers, and with regards to everyone else, I just lived my life. People saw me being myself and realised that this was who I am, and that I was so much happier in my own skin.
However, coming out isn’t the be-all-and-end-all of your identity; you don’t have to come out to be happy with who you are. Maybe you aren’t ready, maybe you don’t feel the need to, or maybe it’s just more trouble than it’s worth. You may not be in a position at home or at school that you feel is safe to come out, and when in that position, the best idea is to wait until you are safe and protected before you do. After all, it is your own choice, and no one can force it on you. It’s a choice only you can make. Remember: you don’t owe anyone anything.
If you are LGBTQ+, or even questioning whether you are, you should know that there are people in and outside of school who are here to help. We have a great support system at school, where your teachers, heads of year and pastoral carers are prepared to help you. We have counsellors who will help you talk about your problems and fears and find a way to solve them. There are websites and helplines where you can talk to someone confidentially, and find ways of coming to terms with who you are. I’m always around the college if you want to chat or get some advice on anything LGBTQ+-related - whether it’s to do with coming out, gender transition, bullying, or anything else! (I’m the sixth former with the curly hair and the patched denim jacket).
There is no shame in being gay or trans, of liking boys or girls or a mixture of the two. There is no shame in being a different gender from the one everyone thinks you are. You are not attention seeking by wanting to be yourself.
You are you. And you are awesome.
Louis King-Cox
What is LGBTQ+?
If you identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, asexual, queer or gender nonconforming (neither a boy or a girl or somewhere in between) you fall under the umbrella term LGBTQ+. As a queer trans male, I understand the pressure (and occasionally the fear) experienced by LGBT+ students in education. Every time I walk in to the boys’ toilets, I’m once again anxious that today is the day someone will object, or that I will have abuse thrown at me. I am constantly misgendered. By canteen staff, teachers, other students, caretakers and even people I used to call my friends. I regularly hear derogatory terms for gay and trans people, and it does nothing to quell the feeling that I am different; that who I am is weird and strange and not ‘normal’.
Perhaps we are not like those that don’t fall under the LGBTQ identity, but that doesn’t mean we are ‘wrong’. We’ve been around since there have been people on earth, and if someone tells you that who you are is wrong, they’re the ones who need to change. Not you.
Throughout this year, I’m going to give advice on how to be a happy, safe and proud LGBTQ+ student. A Queer Kid Survival Guide, if you will. Today, we’re talking about one of the first steps in coming to terms with who you are.
Lesson one: how to Come Out.
Coming out isn’t an easy process (trust me, I’ve done it more times than I can count). I came out as a gay female when I was 13 years old. I was afraid of what my family and friends would think of me, whether people would shout at me for getting changed with all the other girls, or whether my peers would change the way they acted because they didn’t like or understand who I was.
I came out as transgender in 2015, and it was the best decision I have ever made.
It allowed me to be honest with myself and the people I knew, and it took a huge weight of my shoulders, not having to hide my true self.
Coming out means that we don’t have to hide who we are anymore; it allows us to be free, unafraid and proud of who we are. As LGBTQ+ people we deserve that freedom, just like everybody else does.
There are many ways to come out, and any way that works for you is the right way. You could write a letter, send a Facebook message, or just sit down face to face with the person you want to tell. The best way to do this is to plan everything you’re going to say, explain all the things you think people might find difficult to understand, but always keep in mind that you are not wrong, and that nothing can affect that - no matter what other people think.
Remember that you haven’t changed, even if other people say that you have. This is who you are, and who you have always been, and therefore it is the responsibility of others to accept that, not you.
To be honest, I think one of the best ways to come out is to just be yourself. Live your life as the person you are without any fanfare or big moment of truth. Coming out doesn’t have to be a big thing - in fact, it shouldn’t have to be. We’re just like everybody else.
If people want to ask questions, answer them - as long as they’re not rude and intrusive. Do what makes you comfortable; forget about people’s expectations and beliefs, and be happy knowing that you are living your life as yourself. That’s what I did when I came out as trans; I told a few of my family and friends along with my teachers, and with regards to everyone else, I just lived my life. People saw me being myself and realised that this was who I am, and that I was so much happier in my own skin.
However, coming out isn’t the be-all-and-end-all of your identity; you don’t have to come out to be happy with who you are. Maybe you aren’t ready, maybe you don’t feel the need to, or maybe it’s just more trouble than it’s worth. You may not be in a position at home or at school that you feel is safe to come out, and when in that position, the best idea is to wait until you are safe and protected before you do. After all, it is your own choice, and no one can force it on you. It’s a choice only you can make. Remember: you don’t owe anyone anything.
If you are LGBTQ+, or even questioning whether you are, you should know that there are people in and outside of school who are here to help. We have a great support system at school, where your teachers, heads of year and pastoral carers are prepared to help you. We have counsellors who will help you talk about your problems and fears and find a way to solve them. There are websites and helplines where you can talk to someone confidentially, and find ways of coming to terms with who you are. I’m always around the college if you want to chat or get some advice on anything LGBTQ+-related - whether it’s to do with coming out, gender transition, bullying, or anything else! (I’m the sixth former with the curly hair and the patched denim jacket).
There is no shame in being gay or trans, of liking boys or girls or a mixture of the two. There is no shame in being a different gender from the one everyone thinks you are. You are not attention seeking by wanting to be yourself.
You are you. And you are awesome.
Louis King-Cox